When the Scripts No Longer Fit: Navigating Modern Relationships through a “TheraPop” Lens
Pop culture isn’t just entertainment—it’s a mirror, a conversation starter, and often, a soft landing into harder truths.
Whether it’s a viral tweet, a film like Barbie, or a series like The White Lotus, pop culture gives us language for things we’ve felt but never quite named. These stories offer a familiar entry point into deeper conversations about identity, connection, and mental health. They create a sense of safety—and from that safety, insight.
At a conference I attended last November (Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies, ABCT), one session focused on cultural touchpoints as powerful tools in therapy. It reminded me how effective these references can be—not just for engagement, but for transformation.
Take The White Lotus, Season 3. Saxon Ratliff—played with icy confidence by Patrick Schwarzenegger—feels eerily familiar. He’s polished, powerful, and emotionally detached. He checks all the boxes of what society once defined as a “successful man.” But what’s striking isn’t just how out of touch he seems—it’s how lonely he is. Underneath the curated masculinity is a man who doesn’t quite know how to connect—with others or himself.
Characters like Saxon reflect something real: many men are trying to navigate a world where the old rules no longer apply, and the new ones haven’t yet been written. And many women are feeling the weight of that gap—emotionally, relationally, and culturally.
Lost Boys, Ideal Girls, and the Currency of Desire
What happens when intimacy is replaced by performance, and connection is lost in translation.
This growing disconnect between men and women—especially in dating and relationships—has been quietly building for a while. A lot of it comes down to shifting goals, economic pressure, and changing ideas about what we want (or no longer want) from partnerships.
For many men, traditional identity markers—like career stability, dominance, and being the sole provider—no longer look the same, feel attainable, or hold the same appeal. What once offered a clear path to purpose or partnership now feels uncertain, even obsolete. And with job insecurity and rising living costs, these roles feel less achievable than ever. In a world that increasingly values emotional presence over performance, many men are left without a script for how to show up.
At the same time, more women are choosing independence, professional ambition, and personal growth over relationships that don’t meet their emotional or intellectual needs. Pew data shows that women are more likely than men to say they’re single by choice—and are more content with that choice.
But the numbers hint at a deeper emotional story. Pew research indicates that 63% of men under 30 are single, compared to just 34% of women. Even more telling: over half of these single men said they hadn’t even tried to date or look for a relationship in the past year. What we’re seeing isn’t just rejection—it’s isolation. Disconnection. A quiet ache for something many don’t know how to name.
This emotional alienation plays out both in personal lives and in the stories we consume.
Netflix’s Adolescence is one example—a chilling dramatization of how toxic masculinity and online misogyny can shape young minds. The series follows the tragic story of a 13-year-old boy involved in the murder of a female classmate—highlighting the dangerous influence of online spaces like the “manosphere,” where resentment toward women is normalized and encouraged.
Co-creator Stephen Graham has said the show was meant to explore how boys end up in these places of emotional isolation and violence—and to spark conversation about the collective responsibility we all share in preventing it. Adolescence is a stark reminder: when young men are left emotionally unsupported, disconnected from meaning and belonging, the consequences can be devastating.
And then there’s the irony of songs like “Looking for a Man in Finance” becoming club hits around the world. They’re catchy, sure—but beneath the humor is a sense of resignation. That dating is transactional. That desirability has a price tag.
What’s often missed is that women have felt this rejection and abandonment too—for generations. From a young age, they’re told their value lies in being thin, kind, pretty, and accommodating. Body image issues begin as early as age nine, and for many women, the fear of being replaced—as they age, gain weight, or speak up—never quite goes away.
Both men and women are living out different versions of the same pressure:
Be desirable, not demanding. Be dominant, not emotional.
And both are hurting under the weight of it.
The Emotional Toll of Outgrowing the Old Scripts
When roles break down but replacements haven’t arrived yet.
Let’s talk about what happens when the roles we were taught no longer work—but we’re not sure what to replace them with.
Many women have already been doing this work. They’ve gone to therapy, initiated difficult conversations, advocated for equity at home and at work. They’re managing the emotional needs of their families and pushing for their own growth. They’re tired—often asking, Do I have to carry all of this alone?
And they’re not wrong to ask.
Women still take on most of the invisible labor in households—planning, remembering, feeling on behalf of others. According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, women spend nearly twice as much time on household and caregiving tasks compared to men. On top of that, 40% of mothers are now the sole or primary breadwinner in their families.
So what happens when someone has to be everything to everyone—and their partner doesn’t know how (or feel safe enough) to meet them halfway?
For many men, expressing vulnerability feels risky. It’s not that they don’t have the feelings—it’s that they’ve learned to fear what happens when they show them. But what we find in therapy is that underneath the silence, the shutdown, or the frustration is usually something simple and deeply human: fear.
I’m afraid I’m not enough.
I don’t know how to tell you what I feel.
I want to be close, but I don’t know how.
These moments don’t need to be shameful. In fact, they’re often the turning point. When met with care instead of criticism, they can bring couples closer—not push them further apart.
Outside the therapy room, this kind of emotional exploration is starting to reach a broader audience. Podcasts like The Art of Manliness, hosted by Brett McKay, are helping men reflect on strength, connection, and purpose through a lens that values growth over perfection. It’s a quiet cultural shift—but it’s happening.
Why Simplicity Feels So Seductive
When certainty is comforting—but costly.
In uncertain times, people often reach for what feels clear. That’s why the “trad wife” trend on TikTok—where women present domesticity as empowerment—and political pushes like Project 2025 feel so appealing to some. These narratives offer structure. Roles. Safety.
But for many women—especially women of color—these “traditional” roles were never safe to begin with. They were limiting. Dehumanizing. And what’s being sold now as empowerment is often just patriarchy in prettier packaging.
The appeal isn’t really about values—it’s about certainty.
But the cost of that simplicity is high: disconnection, resentment, and the quiet grief of not being known.
Breaking Up to Wake Up
When endings aren’t failures—but invitations to grow.
Nearly 70% of divorces are now initiated by women, and women over 50 are the fastest-growing demographic in that group. Most aren’t leaving due to abuse—they’re leaving because they’ve outgrown what the relationship no longer offers.
For many men, this can feel confusing and disorienting. Some didn’t see it coming because the absence of conflict felt like peace. But peace without connection isn’t intimacy—it’s silence.
In the wake of that loss, some men find therapy. Others find community. And still others fall into ideologies that promise power instead of healing.
But there is another way.
Therapy isn’t about proving who’s right—it’s about learning who you are now, and figuring out if your relationship can hold the truth of that. As Terry Real writes in Us:
“You can be right, or you can be married.”
That’s not a threat.
It’s an invitation.
Can We Still Build Something Together?
What if this isn’t the end—but the beginning of something more honest?
Right now, a lot of people—especially couples—are standing in this in-between space. Not quite who they used to be, not yet sure who they’re becoming. It’s disorienting. But it’s also where real transformation happens.
And while we can’t return to the past, we can build new relationships—ones grounded in mutual respect, emotional honesty, and shared responsibility.
In therapy, we help people tell the truth.
About who they are. About what they need. About what hurts.
And from that place, we help them connect—maybe for the first time in a long time.
Pop culture gives us a mirror.
Therapy gives us a map.
And while the road ahead may not follow the old script—or end in a perfect resolution—it might just lead us somewhere better:
A space to be seen.
A way to belong.
And the courage to begin again—together.
-Denica Gordon-Mandel, M.A., MSW, LCSW, & Director, Women’s Wellness Program at CBH Partners; &, Dean’s Advisory Board, University of California at Irvine, Merage School of Business
References
American Psychological Association. (n.d.). Stress in America™: A nation grappling with uncertainty. https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/stress/2023
Bureau of Labor Statistics. (n.d.). American Time Use Survey—results. U.S. Department of Labor. https://www.bls.gov/news.release/atus.nr0.htm
Fredrickson, B. L., & Roberts, T. A. (1997). Objectification theory: Toward understanding women’s lived experiences and mental health risks. Psychology of Women Quarterly, 21(2), 173–206. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1471-6402.1997.tb00108.x
Johnson, S. (2008). Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. Little, Brown Spark.
McKay, B. (n.d.). The art of manliness [Audio podcast]. https://www.artofmanliness.com/podcast/
Morgan Stanley. (n.d.). Rise of the SHEconomy. https://www.morganstanley.com
Pew Research Center. (n.d.). Most U.S. men under 30 are single, and many are looking for a relationship. https://www.pewresearch.org
Pew Research Center. (n.d.). Mothers are the sole or primary breadwinner in 40% of U.S. families. https://www.pewresearch.org
Real, T. (2022). Us: Getting past you and me to build a more loving relationship. Rodale Books.
Rosenfeld, M. J. (2017). Who wants the breakup? Gender and breakups in heterosexual couples. Socius: Sociological Research for a Dynamic World, 3, 1–10. https://doi.org/10.1177/2378023117719312
Smolak, L. (2004). Body image in children and adolescents: Where do we go from here? Body Image, 1(1), 15–28. https://doi.org/10.1016/S1740-1445(03)00008-1
Yalom, I. D. (1980). Existential psychotherapy. Basic Books.