Family dynamics can be incredibly complex, especially during the holidays. While the season brings nostalgia, joy, and warmth, it can also magnify unresolved issues and tensions. Navigating family relationships can be particularly challenging when you feel drained or stuck in unhealthy dynamics.
It’s challenging to recognize when family relationships aren’t serving us. Many of us are raised to believe that loyalty and connection within a family mean tolerating anything. However, over the years, I’ve learned that identifying the patterns that hold us back and intentionally cultivating the ones that help us grow is essential for emotional well-being.
Here’s a framework to consider: Identify the C.R.A.P.—Control, Reactivity, Adversarial Dynamics, and Power Struggles—and focus on cultivating C.A.R.E.—Curiosity, Attunement, Responsibility, and Excitement. Let’s explore how these concepts show up within family relationships and how to shift toward healthier dynamics.
The C.R.A.P. That Keeps Us Stuck
1. Control
Picture this: You’re visiting your parents for the holidays, and they start questioning how you manage your career or raise your children. They offer unsolicited advice, and they become upset if you don’t follow it. Even when you explain your reasoning, they dismiss your perspective with phrases like, “We just want what’s best for you.”
Over time, you might start sharing less to avoid criticism. Assigning yourself as an independent adult in these situations can feel challenging. Setting boundaries while expressing gratitude for their concern is a healthy way forward. For example, you might say, “I appreciate that you care about me, but I’d prefer to handle this in my way. Let’s focus on enjoying our time together instead of discussing parenting styles.”
Edward Deci and Richard Ryan's self-determination theory research highlights that protecting your autonomy is crucial for emotional well-being.
Tip: After complex interactions, reflect or journal about your feelings. Processing your frustration helps reinforce your independence.
2. Reactivity
You walk into a family gathering and immediately sense the tension. A relative seems upset, and the mood shifts as everyone tiptoes around them, trying to avoid triggering an outburst. Later, when you try to share exciting news about your life, it’s brushed aside as the upset person dominates the emotional space.
In these situations, it’s essential to regulate your emotions and avoid being drawn into reactive dynamics. Techniques like deep breathing or stepping away to recenter yourself can help. Try gently redirecting the focus by saying, “It seems like there’s some tension right now. Maybe we can check in with each other later? For now, I’d love to share this news.”
Tip: Take short breaks when you need to. Stepping outside or engaging in a calming activity, like holding a warm drink, can help you maintain your emotional balance.
3. Adversarial Dynamics
Imagine talking to a sibling about your plans for the new year, only to have every idea met with skepticism or criticism: “Are you sure that’s a good idea?” or“I don’t think you’re ready for that.” Instead of supporting you, they seem to focus on finding flaws.
Amy Edmondson's research on psychological safety highlights the importance of feeling free to express yourself without fear of judgment. When faced with this dynamic, it’s essential to reinforce your confidence. Revisit your goals, reflect on past achievements, and remind yourself of your capabilities.
Tip: You might say, “I hear your concerns, but I’ve thought a lot about this, and I’m confident in my decision.” If the critical dynamic persists, it may help to discuss sensitive topics with the family in a group setting to reduce the intensity.
4. Power Struggles
Family power imbalances can show up in many ways. Perhaps you have a sibling who always dominates conversations, steering them toward their struggles. They redirect the focus back to themselves whenever you try to share your challenges. Over time, you may feel your needs and experiences are invisible in the relationship.
Elaine Hatfield’s equity theory highlights the importance of fairness in relationships. Addressing this imbalance might require vulnerability: “I value our relationship, but I also need space to share what I’ve been going through. Could we make time for that?”
Tip: Spend time reflecting on what you need from your family relationships. Seeking support from more receptive family members can help you feel seen and validated, even if one particular relationship remains challenging.
C.A.R.E.: The Foundation of Healthier Family Relationships
1. Curiosity
You’re catching up with a relative, and instead of dominating the conversation, they ask thoughtful questions like, “How’s work going?” or “What’s been exciting for you lately?” Their genuine interest makes you feel valued and connected.
Dr. Arthur Aron’s research on intimacy through meaningful conversation reveals that curiosity deepens relationships. When someone takes the time to engage with your experiences, it strengthens trust and fosters emotional closeness.
Skill: Practice curiosity by asking thoughtful questions about your family members’ lives. This can encourage openness and reduce tension.
2. Attunement
Your teenager enters the kitchen excited to show you a funny video, but you’re busy juggling holiday meal prep. Instead of brushing them off, pause, wipe your hands, and watch the video. You laugh together, creating a small but meaningful moment of connection.
Dr. John Gottman’s concept of “turning towards” emphasizes the power of small acts of attunement—responding to bids for connection. These moments build psychological safety and strengthen emotional bonds.
Skill: Practice responding to your family’s bids for connection. Similarly, don’t hesitate to ask for your moments of attunement.
3. Responsibility
Conflict management isn’t something most families excel at. After a heated argument with a sibling, it’s rare for someone to say, “I’m sorry—I was frustrated and shouldn’t have raised my voice.”
Brené Brown’s research on vulnerability highlights that taking responsibility for our actions fosters trust and belonging. Acknowledging the impact of our behavior helps repair relationships and demonstrates mutual respect.
Skill: Practice taking ownership of your words and actions. Apologizing and acknowledging mistakes can create stronger, more resilient family connections.
4. Excitement
Family traditions, like driving around to see holiday lights or baking cookies together, can bring moments of pure joy. You laugh, reminisce, and create new memories, leaving everyone feeling closer and energized.
Esther Perel emphasizes the importance of novelty and play in strengthening relationships. Shared joy fosters positive emotions that deepen family bonds.
Tip: Create opportunities for shared joy, no matter how small. These moments of excitement and laughter keep family relationships vibrant and thriving.
Finding Balance During the Holidays
The holidays are an ideal time to reflect on your family dynamics. Are the people in your life lifting you or leaving you drained? Recognizing C.R.A.P. dynamics—and working to shift or let go of them—can be difficult, especially with family. But creating space for relationships that bring C.A.R.E. is worth the effort.
This season, practice curiosity, attunement, responsibility, and excitement within your family. Even small steps can help cultivate healthier, more meaningful relationships. As someone who has experienced the challenges and rewards of these shifts, I can tell you that you deserve family relationships that allow you to thrive. Start small, stay intentional, and watch these changes transform your connections for the holidays and life.
-Denica Gordon-Mandel, M.A., MSW, LCSW, & Director, Women’s Wellness Program at CBH Partners; &, Dean’s Advisory Board, University of California at Irvine, Merage School of Business